I doubt that there has ever been any concrete documentation for how to behave in a boxing gym. Gyms of old were dark, dingy refuges of hard core fighters. The stench of sweat and blood mingling with that of bad cigars the managers smoked. The only true "rule" was to show up and mean it when you get in the ring. You didn't have to worry about pissing anyone off, because if you did, they would knock the shit out of you.
No more, no way, nowadays. There are clean, convenient gyms located popping up everywhere, in a strip mall near you. It's a way to tap into the exercise-conscious middle-class American populous - those with a bad boy image (or at least those who think they do).
I belong to one of these gyms, a nice little place in Parker Colorado. I do admit that it has a family atmosphere, but defining the term "family" more like "We Are Family" as opposed to "bring your family". See Rule #1.
So I put together 5 years of watching social behavior in this kind of boxing gym and I deliver to you (drum roll) Jim's Guide to Boxing Gym Etiquette.
Rule Number 1 - Working Out with Your Children
Your children are an important part of your life, I know. Believe me, I know. You may think that it is great to have them around when you are working out. They can scamper about without worry of serious injury. Besides, you can get them all tuckered out so when you go home, they fall asleep and you can catch up on Oprah on the DVR.
But children are loud and annoying. There is a time for kids in the gym, and that time is when I am not there.
Rule Number 2 - Sweat, Yes. BO, no.
True, this is a place to get a good sweat going; that is what it is all about, right? But please be aware of your fellow members and make sure your pits do not smell like Lady Gaga's vagina (see previous description of old boxing gyms if you cannot immediately understand what I am saying). Deodorant coupons are in the paper every Sunday!
Also, if you had broccoli, or beans for that matter, for lunch, really, really, really pinch your ass when you feel you need to fart. Think of it as Pilates!
Rule Number 3 - Know Your "Circle of Influence"
The heavy bags are placed pretty close together to allow more folks to work out at one time. Boxing is a moving, dynamic sport, but be aware of where you are in relationship to another member.
Think of it this way. Imagine a 2 foot circle around the radii of the heavy bag. This is your space. This is your "Circle of Influence". Do not move outside this zone to bounce around and look like you know what the fuck you are doing. You are blocking the view of the trainer for the rest of us who are trying - desperately trying - to see what to do next.
Rule Number 4 - Do That at Home, Dude!
I know you know who I am talking about when I bring this up. I do not get what it is that people have to look at themselves when they are lifting weights or shadow boxing. What, do you think that the person you are shadow boxing with is going to come out of nowhere and hit you?
Do not do this at the gym. It just looks like you are vain. And you probably are, but that isn't an excuse. Go home and do it in front of your own damn mirror, and you can get as revved up as you want.
Note: Due to recent...we will call them "revelations"...I strike shadow boxing from Rule Number 4. But still, that weight lifting and dumbbells and the bulge in your jock....DUDE!
Rule Number 5 - Does the Sign Say Starbucks?
No, it doesn't, silly! This ain't no damn coffee house. So even though you haven't seen one of your friends in say, the last couple hours or so, please refrain from sharing and having a mindless, mindfucking meaningless conversation about your sad, sad life. This is one of those times where sharing is not caring. I don't give a rat's ass what you think of what Mindy or Cindy looked like in home room.
If you are commenting on how awful v-ups are, that is actually encouraged!
Rule Number 6 - In the Event of an Emergency, Know How to Get out of this Aircraft Immediately
There are a lot of pieces of equipment here. Space to "do your thing" is limited. Be aware of your surroundings and how your "obliviousness" to others impede important events like emergency diarrhea, getting water or God forbid, a fire.
In other words, so not block my way to the water fountain by loitering around it.
Rule Number 7 - Yes, Your Shit Does Stink
This one goes out to two categories of people: high school and college men and anyone who thinks boxing is easy because they saw a Toughman competition once.
That last category is particularily amusing to watch, coming in there all cock sure (legitimate use of the term) and confident. Bringing your MMA gloves or, God forbid, those stupid, stupid, stupid Everlast speed bag gloves with the piece of steel in the palm. On second thought, go right ahead and do that, it makes me feel awesome! But anyways, you come in there thinking that your shit don't stink and, indeed, it does. Badly. This kind of person bangs away at the bag and wouldn't you know it, they are drenched in sweat and breathing like someone who just ran a marathon (or me after an hour). Truly...Hilarious!
But don't play those Reindeer Games with me! You are not better than me. You may have better boxing abilities. You may be better looking. You may have a better body (that is pretty much a given, though). You may have better hair. But YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ME.
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